“Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.”
Habakkuk 3:17-19

The Christian music on Pandora was a small comfort although I could barely hear the words over the rush of the water.

“Even if you don’t, my heart is yours alone…”

Did I truly believe this? 

In the midst of a emotional rollercoaster, I sobbed uncontrollably, praying the sound of the shower would cover my cries and my family wouldn’t hear me.

At times the pressure was so great my mouth opened but nothing came out. Just a silent ugly cry. 

“Even if you don’t, my heart is yours alone…” 

For twenty-four years I had saved myself…. 
Since I was 16 I had prayed for my future husband and wrote letters to him…
I had prayed. I had dreamed. I had prepared. 

“I know the sorrow and I know the heart would all go away if you just said the word, but even if you don’t…” 

What if He didn’t? 

What if I didn’t get my miracle?

The man I “loved” was in such deep darkness. I couldn’t save him, nor did I know him. Who was this person? I had left. I had gotten an annulment. I didn’t know what else to do.

The shame. The guilt. The pain. I hated drugs. I hated divorce. I hated my life.

Do I move on? Do I not?

Do I pray for a miracle? Do I not?

“My heart is yours alone…”

I sang the song through cries of agony and pain as a prayer. 

My chest was tight, my hands clenched, on my knees and head against the front of the shower.

***

Over a year later this song came on and I smiled. 

The journey God has taken me through has been growing, challenging, and eye-opening. I didn’t get the miracle I wanted- I got the miracle I needed. 

I got the God-honoring miracle of healing and sharing my story and learning forgiveness that transcends deep hurt. 

I learned grace and mercy, and maybe some patience and not getting my way. I learned God’s way is better and He truly knows better than I. 

God is showing me I am worth loving and that loving others is the key to true witness. 

If you are in a valley, know your mountain is coming if you hold tight to Jesus. 

Over a year later I sang that song- and I knew I meant it. 

You are loved. 
You are valued. 
You are useful.