I stared at it.

Positive. 

What have I done?

Three negative tests didn’t matter. All that mattered was this one positive.

My stomach hurt. Shame fell over me like a heavy, dark blanket. Fear and regret followed.

What will others think of me? 

What about my ministry? 

What about my life? 

As a single teacher, I had a hard time financially providing for myself. How was I going to take care of a child?

Tears came. Numbness set in.

I can’t have a stable, Christian home with the father. We don’t believe alike. We don’t even live alike. 

What am I going to tell my parents? 

….My cousin? My sister? The girls that look up to me? 

There was only one thing to do. Go get a blood test.

Sitting in the waiting room, I spotted a small girl walking around and playing with her sibling. Her hair was up in a bun and she smiled.

I am not ready for that…

She started to cry.

My heart sank.

“Lisa Donham…”

I walked through the doors with the nurse who called my name. She took my weight and vitals and sat me in a room.

The white washed walls and sterile environment seemed to taunt me, “You will be doing this for awhile now. Coming here. Getting check ups and appointments.”

My labs were taken and I went home, laid on my recliner and put my phone on the side table. No TV. No music. No nothing.

The anxiety swelled within me and I waited… and waited… and waited…

The phone rang thirty minutes later.

“Miss Donham….”

“Yes…” I answered, knowing my life may change forever.

“You are not pregnant. The blood test is negative.”

A false positive. Rare, but according to my doctor, possible.

“Thank you.” I answered.

***

This is quite personal, and pretty transparent. I agree with you, but to be a good writer I must write what I know.

This is what I know… you more than a break-up text, being ignored for hours or days, or being kept on the side. YOU ARE MORE. So I share a very personal story to make a very powerful point.

After my annulment, I felt worthless. On top of the feelings of worthlessness, the gut wrenching memories haunted me and I wanted them gone. Surely, making more memories with others would do that, right? In my quest to erase my past and run from my pain I went from man to man in search for something more.

I found nothing but more pain and more disappointment.

And then came the moment I was tired. I was done. Done with doing things the world’s way and having nothing to show for it but more bad decisions and unfulfilled, empty hopes. I had scars from psychological abuse, mistreatment and disrespect.

A week after I made the decision to turn my life around again and begin letting God pick up the pieces, I had a positive pregnancy test, but no pregnancy. However, God used this experience to reinforce what He was already speaking to me, “If you continue to go down this road, you will end up somewhere you don’t want to be.”

I knew I had made my choices. I didn’t blame God… I blamed myself.

What had I done? 

And you know what… satan is really good at reminding me of my past. Really good. In fact, that is one of his goals- to remind me of the times in my life where I was not walking with Christ, and to remind of what I have done. One of the darkness’s strongest tools is shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

I didn’t think it would effect me. All the late nights and bad choices. But it did.

I wish I could tell you it still doesn’t affect me, but it does.

If I lived by my feelings, my life would look much different than living by faith. But that is another blog in itself.

Now, am I saying if I would have been pregnant I would have blown it and been below grace? Absolutely not! God can redeem anything and anyone and that baby would have been loved. But I was not ready for a baby and that is not what I had in mind. I would have been no less loved by God, but it would have been very hard.

My point is my prayer for women who are longing for love is that they will stay in love with the Lord in their journey for a man. It is only when we are walking with Christ that we can determine what is truly best for us because the Holy Spirit is giving us that knowledge and wisdom. That they would not settle because they are afraid to be alone.

I have been there, beloved.

Thankfully, the next week after that incident, I got a message from a very old friend. He was gentle, kind and respectful and the more we spent time with one another the more I thought- This could be something.

Was it perfect? No.

But maybe… just maybe… this was real.

And it was and is my “something special.”

Now, I am married to that wonderful man and I have nothing but God to credit for that… and maybe some of Joshua’s good looks.;) lol

My Dear Girl/Woman,

You are worth more than gold to someone who bled for you.
He intends for you to be treated with the upmost care and concern.
You are not a one night stand.
You are not a convenience.
You are not a side chick.
You are worth more than a nude picture or a late night phone call.
You are more than a “well I’m also talking to someone else so it’s complicated.”
“I’ll see you sometime this week.”
“Let’s just be friends with benefits and see where it goes.”
or “I just don’t know if I want to be in a relationship.”
For those that are in Christ, you are a child of the most High King.
You are prized and treasured and loved.
It doesn’t matter what you have done.
You can surrender today.
Now, straighten that crown and walk in the way of the Lord.
It will be hard, but you can do it.
You may have to be alone for awhile, but you will avoid a lot of heartache.
I have faith in you.

Signed,
One of You
Lisa M. Griffith

You are loved, valued and useful and God loves you so much.

You are redeemable.