“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.””
Psalm 46:10

I wish I could tell you that I have it altogether. The truth is, I got stopped twice yesterday- IN THE SAME TOWN. The first time I got a ticket, the second time the cop let me off with a warning after I burst into tears. 

Trying not to fall asleep I pulled into Snyder and proceeded to a Christmas church service when I felt anything but jolly. Two hundred dollar tickets and a defensive driving course to come would not brighten anyone’s day. Coffee kept me sane. 

Then I stayed up for three hours lesson planning for the week. The job of a teacher is never done. 

And lastly, Monday has come. OH HAS IT COME. In full fledge, reminding me how much of a failure I am. And the theme seems to be “I can’t deal…” 

with my job…
with getting pulled over when everyone else is going the same speed…
with being alone… 
the anxiety…
the thoughts…
the depression… 
the fatigue… 
with not having any money… 
the loneliness…
my house not being the way I want it…
the soap goes here… the towels hangs here… that picture goes there…

Can you see my OCD coming out? 

BE STILL… 

But God I can’t. There is too much to do. I have too much to do. 

BE STILL… 

But God what if I fail? I am failing. I have to save it… 

BE STILL… 

God whispers in my pain, pleas and pondering- “Do not forget why you are here… Do not forget who you are…” 

Can I be honest and say that sometimes I really just feel like crawling in a hold and crying. Like today… 

I suck at life. I’m not trying to, apparently I just do. 

And as I type this “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” is playing….

God has a sense of humor. It is NOT the most wonderful time of the year. 

In fact, it’s one of the most stressful. 

Is it okay to admit I try to find comfort in other things besides Jesus when I get stressed? Companionship, sleep, maybe tempted to drink a little bit more wine than usual. 

Just being human here. 

But just when I think I am going to collapse under the pressure of it all- God sends a voice of reason. Sometimes it’s my family, sometimes a trusted friend. Sometimes it’s my students. Sometimes it’s a combination of all of those. Sometimes, still, I just have to shoulder into it and keep going. 

Friend, can I tell you that God loves you even when you suck at life. 

He wants what is best, and sometimes that doesn’t make sense to us. Sometimes we push up against that and we fight and we try to inch our way- but He remains there, never changing, always seeing and all-knowing. 

If you work with me you know I don’t have it altogether. 

If you are my family, you definitely know I don’t have it altogether. 

If you are a trusted friend, you really know I don’t have it altogether. 

I am one mess. Notice I didn’t say hot because “hot” means you at least look good. I’m just a mess. LOL 

My friends allow me to be disorganized, dysfunctional and disheveled with you this week and let you know- you are not alone in feeling lonely, discontent and overworked. 

You are loved. 
You are valuable. 
You are useful.