You ever be like this in a relationship…
Girl me too.
Taxing… isn’t it? On your soul.
The truth is, if we weren’t so afraid to be alone and took that plunge of being on our own, we might avoid a lot of the heartache caused by being in a toxic relationship.
Now, if you do not understand the memes, let me explain. “Red flags” in a relationship are actions or words your significant other says or does that make you go “hmmmm.”
Usually this is followed by a great deal of overthinking, and the other party questioning why you would doubt them; however, I have found that most of the time my initial assumption was right and there is a reason why the question is being asked. This is not always the case, but usually, in my experiences, it is.
Red flags sound not be ignored.
So what are some common red flags that should make us women with self value think…
Well, I am glad you asked!
Below are five common red flags. This list was compiled by myself and others. Please take caution in a relationship when these flags wave and think to yourself, “What do I want for my future?”
- Work Ethic. If the man you are dating can not keep a job or doesn’t have a job- this is a red flag. Aside from physical limitations, a man should work if he is capable of working. Retirement is different of course. However, if he is okay with sitting at home and doing nothing, this is a problem. Not being able to keep a job can also indicate he is not stable.
- Signs of Addiction. Drinking, drugs, pornography, gambling, spending money, etc. If there are any signs of addictions to any of these things, there are deep seeded problems that you will not be able to fix. Even if a man changes it’s because he wants to change. We are all responsible for our own choices. So be aware of these signs. I don’t advocate every marriage or relationship end due to these things, but professional help is essential and his desire and willingness to accept help and stop is key.
- He doesn’t want to make it “official,” or marriage is “not for him.” If you wish to be married, it’s better to also stick to others who see marriage as an option. There is a difference in not being ready for commitment and not wanting commitment. There are many men who are not ready to be married, but they see marriage as an option. There are others who do not want to be married at all. As women, we have to recognize the difference. Also, “friends with benefits,” is not really beneficial. It usually ends in frustration and heartache. If he “just wants to be friends,” but is okay with sleeping with you and being that intimate with you, he is not in it for your heart. Go find someone who is.
- Different belief systems. This can be a HUGE factor. It’s a lot easier to overlook this.. until you have kids. Then you start asking questions like “What do we tell our children?” That is when it can get messy. I have found that even in relationships where both are Christians there can be disagreements on theology and how to raise a family. Be sure to have these conversations and know the reality of someone’s soul before entering into marriage and becoming one with them.
- “I didn’t say that….” Gaslighting. When I first heard it I was like… what? A brief definition of gaslighting is: a form of psychological abuse that makes one question their own reality due to the treatment of the abuser. Basically, a person says or does things and when you call them out on it, you hear, “I didn’t do that,” or “I didn’t say that.” This is usually followed by an explanation of what was really said or done (which is false.) Gaslighting is a severe form of manipulation that can make the abused doubt their own memory. It’s very affective for the reason that because the abused typically wants to believe the abuser, they tend to start blocking out reality and replacing it with their lover’s explanations. I know that was a lot to take in, but this is a very dangerous tool used by very manipulative people. As much as you try to point out this behavior, nine times out of ten, the manipulator will not listen to reason. If they do admit to some wrongdoing, the behavior more than likely will not change. Narcissism is highly likely in a relationship with gaslighting. That subject is another blog in itself. Just know if you see this taking place in your relationship, you are not crazy. Get out!
So, there you go! Five red flags that can not be ignored.
Ladies, trust me, I am speaking from experience. I am not sitting here typing this with the perfect track record. In fact, before Joshua, my track record was pretty terrible. lol He has dealt with a lot and continues to support and love me through the struggles of my past and present.
Red flags waved time and time again and I overlooked them time and time again. Sometimes out of ignorance. Sometimes out of fear. Sometimes out of selfishness.
I wanted what I wanted. I knew better than God.
Right?
Nope.
But, God always ran after me. Always.
He’s running after you.
Don’t be afraid to be alone. Be afraid to spend your life pining after someone who does not love you like you deserve to be loved.
You are loved.
You are valued.
You are useful.