“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

The tile was cold. 

I sat in front of my toilet- tears, snot and slobber running down my face… gagging. This was definitely an ugly cry. How could my heart hurt this much? What was I going to gain from this? How will this ever be used for good God? Was it humanly possible to endure this much pain?

I didn’t understand. 

I wasn’t drunk.
I didn’t have the stomach bug. 

I had a wounded heart. 

For the past two years it had been one thing after another. Pain. Physical pain. Mental pain. Emotional pain. 

An overseas mission trip that went wrong and resulted in mental and physical illness. A marriage that was supposed to fix me and fell apart.

The brokeness. The nights of wondering. The nights of whys. The loneliness of a queen sized bed that felt like it was going to engulf me at any moment. The embarrassment. The shame. The exhaustion. 

So much pain!

All I wanted was to do was heal- but I didn’t want to heal the way God wanted me to. 

My plan was better!

It would bring more glory to You.
If you would just listen to me.
My way makes more sense…
If You would just give me my way…
Because I know better than You God…

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,’”
declares the Lord.” Isaiah 55:8

My parents appeared at the door. My sister had gone to get them.

Secretly I wanted help. I wanted to be comforted. I wanted someone to come feel the cold tile with me and wipe the tears and snot and slobber from my face. I wanted my daddy’s strong arms to embrace me and hold me and love me.

One of my favorite things… just to be held. To hear one of my favorite noises… a heartbeat. It reminds me I’m alive and so are the people I care about. 

But my pride and insecurity kept me from running to my parent’s bedroom. Instead I sat on the bathroom floor in my misery and heartache. It’s amazing how two things that are so opposite can be felt at the same time- and so deeply. Pride kept me from seeking the light, while my insecurity kept me in darkness. 

There were tears in my dad’s eyes. I will never forget that look on my parent’s faces. I never wanted to see it again. 

I had to get better. 

“Get up…” my mom coached me as she always does. 

“I can’t…” I stammered. My heart felt it would burst. I couldn’t stand. 

“You have to…” she said and moved forward. 

In all my parents grace, love, mercy and strength they helped me get off the floor. With the patience of family and using my mother’s arms and the bath tub for support I crawled to my feet. 

Tears stream down my face as I think about what they must have been feeling. To see their baby girl in that condition. 

I cry for my parents. 

And I cry for that girl. 

After over a year of suffering I was finished with pain. I was tired of it. I hated it. I detested pain. 

I had had enough. 

And yet in those moments when I couldn’t even stand, when I found myself in my ugly cry and unable to stifle the sick feeling in my stomach- Jesus came near. 

He met in the hospital room when they were sticking a needle into my spine to check for brain infection after Africa.

He met me in the doctor’s office when I was told I may never completely heal. And I haven’t physically. 

He met me the day I walked into my parent’s guest bedroom after leaving my marriage and collapsed on the floor in the arms of my mother and sister as my wedding photo was clutched in my hands. 

He met me when I forgave and decided to move on. 

He meets me as I write this article in hopes to give you some light in your moment of darkness.

 And beloved He will meet you too. 

In your pain. In your struggle. In your heartache. God meets us. 

He meets us on the cold tile floor and picks us up. He carries us. He helps us walk again. And soon beloved…

You will run. 

There are three things you must understand about pain. 

1. Pain is unavoidable. 
   “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33  
   Even on my best days when everything seems to be going right and I am trying my best, I can’t avoid pain. It’s there. In some way shape or form. It’s apart of living in a broken world. 
2. Pain is character building. 
   CS Lewis said,“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” My physical pain tolerance could use some work, but I would say my emotional and mental tolerance has thickened. God has used pain to build my character and although it will never be perfect, He continues to use pain to shape and mold who I am. And pain is a pretty good teacher. I pay more attention to her than I do other teachers. She makes me listens. She’s strict, and sometimes she hurts with her starch picture of reality that shows me for who I really am. But I listen to her. I learn from her.
3. Pain is temporary.
   For those of us who are in Christ, pain is a temporary thing. 
   ^” I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that^[a] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.” Romans 8:18-21
   Did you get that? God doesn’t allow pain to crush us- but to free us. To teach us that there is more than here, now and this present body. He has a home waiting for me. And in that home there is no pain.

Pain is painful. There is no doubt about it. 

But it’s also a reminder that we are human- like being held. Or a heartbeat.

It’s a reminder we are alive and there is work to be done. 

Do I like what happened to me? No. 

Do I wish I could have learned differently? Yes. 

Does it still affect me? Oh yes. 

I am just now realizing that I am not as healed as I thought and I have more work to do with Jesus. 

And pain reminds me of that. 

I have to learn to trust when it’s okay, to step out and take risks, and to love when God allows. 

And in all of this what reminds me to keep going is my pain. 

You see God meets us in the trenches. He gets down in an army crawl position and trudges through the mud. He crawls under the barbed wire with us! 

Just as my family met me on the cold floor, God meets us in ugly cries, lifts our head and says, “I will make this beautiful.” 

Oh how wonderful my Jesus is and how He loves me. 

And how He loves you. 

Trust Him. 

I will end with what my Aunt wrote me in a letter during my ordeal. Oh how I am thankful for the encouragement, prayers and support that was sent my way. 

“One day the sun will shine on your face and warm you all the way to your heart again.”

You are loved. 
You are valuable. 
You are useful.