“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Galatians 1:10

Okay… so just in case no one knew… I am weird. 

I admit it. I confess.

The first time my parents knew I would be different was probably when I was around four. During a pep rally I went onto the gym floor and proceeded to give everyone a show of my own with dancing. Even as a four year old, I knew I was meant for greatness. LOL I would line my dolls and stuffed animals up and read to them from a book (that I couldn’t actually read.) I would tell them to “be quiet… sit down… pay attention…” I was a teacher from the start.

Me bossy? Never. 😉

I wasn’t normal in grade school. I threatened to beat up a boy in kindergarten who was picking on me and then beat all of the boys in the tractor pull while pedaling 90 pounds to the finish line. I always wanted to show that I was an independent woman who would be successful and have her own legacy. 

I dipped my chicken nuggets and pickles in chocolate pudding and ate brownies, fries and cheese on my school hamburgers. And while everyone else was talking about the taste of alcohol- I was commenting on the smell of fresh book pages and how beautiful thunder sounded. 

Yes I was that kid. 

Staying home in my PJs on a Friday night was a good night for me, or riding around with my best friend. I loved church. I loved to sing. I enjoyed youth most of the time and wanted to be involved in every and any church function I could.  I loved elderly people. Still do! I literally could be around “old” people all day. LOL I remember crying in a classroom defending my faith one afternoon as I talked to a classmate about Jesus as they squandered His name.  I was known for “Jesus loves you…” and had a shirt that had “Jesus Freak” on the back of it and wore it proudly.

I just loved Jesus. 

I was afraid if I gave in even a little- it would result in me completely loosing control of myself. So I stayed away from the party scene in fear. I know now that as a child, that was a good decision. As an adult I know my limits and am more aware of myself. 

I was voted “Most Likely to Succeed.” The label I had always wanted. Success, respect, admiration. Those were things I strove after from others. 

But there was something else I craved like all humans- acceptance. I craved it. And at times still do.

I didn’t understand it. 

Why was I so passionate? Why was I not able to stifle this burning conviction in my soul? Why did others not feel the way I did? Why was I so… different… 

It’s like I couldn’t brush my teeth without passion. 

I didn’t want to party. I didn’t want to be bad. I also thought lower of people that did. God had some work to do on my spirit and on my character. I wasn’t approachable, and I sure wasn’t accepting of others. 

I wasn’t relatable. At all. 

This isn’t to say I was perfect. I was not. And I am not bragging on myself. Oh no. I’m saying this was a bad thing. This was pride. I just didn’t understand people.

Why couldn’t they just love Jesus? Why couldn’t they just do right? 

I wanted to be accepted but not at the expense of my soul or my convictions. (This is still true.) Regardless of whether others hung out with me, I wanted them to like me and respect me. That’s normal… right?

This wasn’t so much my college experience as my highschool experience. I softened up in college and my true personality really came out. I was able to be liked by people that were not like me and like them in return. I had a lot of friends and I learned about the importance culture and my love sharing it and experiencing it. 

But, my love for Jesus was still very innocent and very pure. I didn’t know true struggle, pain, disappoint or heartache. I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted. And I had a wonderful family.

All throughout junior high, high school and college I served God faithfully and proclaimed His name with this sweet, innocent love. 

Then came Africa 2016 when my world turned upside down. 

I didn’t see a way past my physical and mental pain without ending my life. I was so mad at God. For the first time in my life I knew why people didn’t believed. How could they in a world that was so broken? Everyday it was a struggle just to make it to the next. Sometimes it was enough to make it to the next hour.

From physical and mental illness and the poverty I saw, I had lost my sweet, innocent love for Jesus and people. 

Craving acceptance and love, I searched for it only to have my marriage that I thought would fix it fall apart. I searched for acceptance from a man rather than God. And I have found this can be a cycle for me, as for most women I think. 

With the loss of my marriage I lost my trust in people, my purpose, and my innocence all together. 

And I am still salvaging what I can at times. 

After my marriage fell apart I didn’t love the church. I felt out of place. I realize now that was more due to me being out of the will of God, wanting my own way, misunderstanding everyone motivations, expecting too much from others and taking everything so personally.

But at the time I just saw it as “I don’t belong.” 

 For the first time I wasn’t comfortable around Christians. 

I was in sin and outside of the will of God- and I knew it. I knew that what I was trying to mend was not working and I knew the way I was trying was not working either. 

Jesus was trying so hard to pull me back to Him and I was fighting every step of the way. 

Because it wasn’t “my” plan. 

It took severe heartache to bring me back to my Lord. 

So what do we use to soothe out hurts and rejections? 

Sometimes in the wake of a toxic relationship or life altering experience, it’s easy to fall into that same cycle. We crave what was taken from us or we crave acceptance in areas where we were neglected or abused.

We see this in woman who are sexually abused, or had/have an absent father or spouse and become promiscuous. They crave that genuine love and physical affection from someone who truly cares about them verses the person who took it from them or is/has ignored them completely. 

We see this in people who grow up poor only to be successful and be in a lot of debt because they can’t handle money due to their constant love for it. 

We see this in adults who were socially ignored as a child by family or classmates so they strive to do whatever they have to in order to be accepted or popular. 

We crave what we didn’t have, and sometimes we crave what we want more of. 

This is the human condition. 

But God.

God is always so honest with me.

And I am guilty of so many things, including craving affection, attention, validation and love. 

I no longer count myself better than anyone because I have discovered true grace. I have discovered what it truly means to be at the bottom of one’s self on the floor in agony and unable to go on. 

If you crave acceptance, you are not alone. You are human. You are normal. You are only guilty of one thing- the broken human condition and the need to be loved. 

We all want and need to be loved. God made us for companionship. God made us to be in community with other people. This doesn’t have to be marriage. This can be friends, a church, family. The bottom line is… we weren’t meant to do life alone.

How do I know this? There is like 7 billion people in the world. That’s a whole lot of people for God to make if He intended us to be alone.

So that need that you feel for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual acceptance… that is God given! 

You were made for physical intimacy. That’s why you crave it. You were made for deep conversation, contemplation and thought. That’s why you want it. You were made for emotional connection. That’s why you desire it. And last of all and most important- you were made to have a meaningful, real relationship with God. 

And when someone is not loved properly and not cared for properly, when someone is mistreated, when someone is denied- they will look for love in all the wrong places. 

How many of us are guilty of this?

*I’m raising my hand. 

Now you may say, “But Lisa I hate people..” or “Lisa, I don’t believe in God…” 

And those two may be true. 

You may not be an extrovert and that’s fine. You may not be a Christian, in which I hope one day you accept how much Jesus loves you and please know I love you! 

But there is one core truth that can not be denied… when we are denied love- problems arise. We see this in and out of the church.

When a child is not loved you know it. 

When a person has been abused or neglected… it’s evident. Maybe not to everyone, but those that get in on their “circle.” 

There is something in their character that is different or hesitant or fearful. Or they are hard, coarse and obstinate. Sometimes they even repeat the same behavior that was done to them. 

Either way it all comes from something- a lack of love. Whether this is from others or a lack of love and respect for themselves. 

At our core we all crave acceptance and love.

I say these separately because I don’t really think they are the same. I love a lot of people whose behavior I don’t accpet, but I love them. 

It is just a matter of where we look for these things.

The first person that made me feel special was my Mama. 

First, she gave birth to me. Then she cooed to me. She talked to me. She cared for me. She changed my diapers. She dressed me. She bathed me.  And… she read me a book.

 Have you met my friend, “Punchinello?” 

Punchinello was a wooden man who was made by the wood carver “Eli.” He lived in a place where people gave you “stars” if they liked you, and gave you “dots” if they did not.

People who were talented, beautiful and smart got stars. 

Punchinello was covered in dots- not yet finding his niche. 

One day, Punchinello met a woman who had neither stars not dots. 

He asked this woman why.

She simply said, “They don’t stick. I go spend time with Eli and when people put stars or dots on me, they don’t stick.”

Can I confess something?

I can’t tell you the last time I sat down and TRULY spent time with God. It must have been a month or more since I have truly studied the Bible in my office by myself. Just me and God and His Word and study aids. 

And people’s stars and dots- they have been sticking.

Perhaps yours have been sticking too.

So what do we do?

We can’t be a fictional book character. We are going to feel stars with pride, and we are going to feel dots with sadness. 

However, they don’t have to stick. We can allow God to remove our stars and our dots. We can keep some scars from the dots that taught us lessons, and maybe we can beam in some of our stars for awhile.

There is nothing wrong with being proud of things and yourself as long as your give the credit to Who made you. 

I am so sorry for the pain you may have endured in your life. I am so sorry for the struggle, heartache and rejection you have felt. 

Know that I am not speaking from a place that does not understand profound and debilitating pain. 

But God. 

He made you special. 

And He has covered you with endless gold stars. 

You are loved. 
You are valued. 
You are useful.