I don’t know about ya’ll, I don’t like when things are not “right.” Ironically, time and time again that is exactly what my life has been, not “right.”
In desperation to “control” or “fix” my issues I will beat something into the ground until it seems “okay,” or “right.” I will send that twelfth text, I will bug them, I will in desperation try to “fix” it.
Part of this steams from anxiety, part of it also stems from the need have peace, and part of it stems from the fact that I am a perfectionist. And then there is a small part that stems from relationships in my past that didn’t end well and not wanting that outcome again.
When I was younger it was worse. I could not function when anyone was mad at me. Compulsively I would apologize, and sometimes still do. Over and over- determined something was still amiss. It’s not as bad now I can accept unresolved relationships because I’ve had to and the older you get let’s be honest… the less you care. LOL
You know what is wrong with this?
Pretty soon the person gets so tired of you trying to “fix” the situation that it just remains broken because the pressure of a person who demands perfection and always thinks there is something wrong.
This is most present in my relationships with those closest to me.
After my annulment, I was a mess. I couldn’t have a good relationship with anybody. Not even with my family.
After being in a toxic relationship for so long, I didn’t know how to function in healthy ones.
Have you ever been there?
It got to the point where one day I walked out on my dad who was desperately trying to calm me down and reason with me. I was so angry I yelled at him in our front yard in front of the whole world and drove off in my car. I remember sitting in the driveway of my grandparents house, shocked at what I had just done, and crying uncontrollably because I knew I was broken.
I was surprised when my car door opened and my daddy was standing there. He said, “Do you see how I am chasing after you…”…”That is what God is doing right now…”
It ended with him holding my head in his shirt as I’m sure my snot and tears rolled down. Such a good daddy.
All I had done with my ex husband was fight. All the time. Or try to change him or fix our problems, or question what was wrong with me. Or wonder what he was doing and how it would affect us. I would be ignored for hours and so I would compulsively text. Waiting for an answer… And that had become my default. And I am ashamed to say I still am fighting this battle.
I didn’t know how to NOT fight, how to NOT be mean in order to get my point across or for something to change, how to NOT overthink because what I thought was wrong wasn’t “wrong” but was in fact… was wrong most of the time. It’s like I lived in a facade for two years. I had my life where I was- and this distant life that was in shambles. I didn’t know how to trust. I didn’t know how to disagree without becoming enraged. I was always questioning my reality and where my relationship stood; unsure of the future and if love was indeed enough.
It’s not.
I find this to be a cycle with women who come out of toxic relationships.
Nothing will bring our insecurities, imperfections and flaws out more than trying to get back in the game of relationships or even being around men. Then trying to be vulnerable with someone else. Then opening our hearts up again.
I wish I could offer you some good advice for this. Truth is… there is no “one way” to do relationships after a toxic one.
It’s a bumpy road of figuring out what you still have to work on, what has healed and what remains fresh and bleeding.
To all the women out there who are trying, I haven’t been perfect either.
But your past doesn’t have to define your worth, although most of the time we allow it to.
So what do we do? The first step is identifying those areas we talked about so:
- Areas to work on.
These are areas that are not entirely raw, but could use some brush ups. These areas usually include the small things. Maybe it’s the way your physically react to things. Your body language, your speech. These are wounds that if you rubbed salt in the wound it would sting, but wouldn’t bring you to tears. These can be overcome rather quickly with practice. - What has healed.
Perhaps in your quest of dating you will find that you are doing better than you thought in some areas. That some of these areas are not as bad as you thought or perhaps just have to have a lot of patience. Either way, healing is a good thing to experience. - A fresh wound.
These are the parts of your vulnerability that are most raw and exposed. You will notice these before you do anything else. You always see the deepest wounds and cuts before you see minor scratches. This is not a bad thing because wounds need attention! The quicker you discover and identify those parts of your life and character the quicker you can begin to tend and mend these wounds with spiritual, relational and mental health help. These are the parts that do bring you to tears. The parts that you mourn. The parts of your past that make you cringe.
They say the key to recover is identifying you have a problem.
Don’t let your discovery of these problems keep you from finding someone.
Give yourself some grace, step out of your past as best you can, and begin to take that road to healing.
You are loved.
You are valuable.
You are useful.