“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

I grew up in a wonderful Christian home with wonderful Christian parents in a wonderful, small, Texas town. We were not perfect, but I had it pretty good.

That being said, I loved Jesus with a very performance- based love. “If I do what I am supposed to, God will do what He is supposed to and bless me.” I knew about grace and compassion, but didn’t know the extent of it.

Growing up I didn’t have a rebellion. I was very rigid. Everything was “by the book.” My life had to be starchy- Christian or nothing. I didn’t know a balance between fun and Christian, or discernment and judgement, or love and justice.

Then I became an adult.

About a year after my annulment, my rebellion began. My life had fallen back into a routine, the normal, a set pace, and with that came a desire to move on and to get back into the dating world.

Because that is what you are supposed to do right?

Date.

Problem is our society has forgotten how to date, and after coming out of a toxic relationship I found that the idea of love, sex and companionship that I had was a little messed up.

Honestly, parts of it probably still are.

I realized I was attracted to bad boys. I realized I didn’t trust men. I realized I struggled with trying to find acceptance and affirmation with men and in areas were I had experienced neglect even though I didn’t trust them.

It was all very complicated, confusing and unproductive.

And throughout my rebellion God was ever patient, graceful and kind. But He was also just. He also didn’t want to leave me where I was.

As I have been pouring over my book, I thought I was writing it for other people. Truth is, I’ve been writing it to myself. God was using His own revelations to me for me.

To remind me I’m loved.

And nothing I can do or don’t do changes His love for His children.

To remind me I am valued.

I am not valuable because of a man. I am valued because I am the Lord’s.

To remind me that I am useful.

But true redemption is confession, turning from sin and taking measures of accountability with others for help.

I have been a rebel.

And honestly, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

The bad memories I tried to replace just added more bad memories.

The prize I was chasing was not even a prize.

The attitude I had discounted God as a righteous judge.

Beloved, we must reach out to people who will hold us accountable for our actions and try. We must realize that obedience is necessary for usefulness. (As a very wise friend once told me.) And we must deny even the deepest desires of our hearts for Jesus if they are in the way of our relationship with Christ.

I am sure this is not the last time I will be tempted to choose between the desires of my flesh and the desires of Jesus, and it won’t be the last time I fail.

But, I move forward for what is ahead, aware of my weaknesses and battles and confident in my God and others who are uplifting me.

We are never going to be perfect, but we can be accountable, real and relatable while still aspiring to be the best we can be.

He is worth our sacrifice, our praise and our adoration.

You are loved.
You are valued.
You are useful.