I didn’t want to go.

No, that’s being too nice. My parents had to drag me.

After five weeks of marriage, I was venturing off to Camp Buckman in Sweetwater, Texas for the 70th Walk to Emmaus and I was anxiety-ridden. In my heart, I knew that God had not been my focus in awhile. After releasing a book, getting married and buying a fixer upper, my spiritual life had taken a back seat. My life had been constant work. School work. House work. Marriage classes. Book work.

Work. Work. Work.

Jesus sustained me day to day, but I treated Him more like a coworker than a Savior and friend. We talked. We chatted. If the day was worse, we may chat more. But read my Bible? That’s funny. When did I have time? (Forget that I was on social media every night before bed.) Listen to sermons? No. My crime documentaries were more important.

I kissed my husband goodbye and in tears was taken to what I saw as rehabilitation. No phone. No TV. No social media. No watch. No nothing for three days. Joshua would be so close, yet so far.

Can my heart really handle it?

Yes. Jesus said.

Can you please take care of Joshua while I’m gone?

Yes. Jesus said.

The first day I was not having it. I wondered what cult my family had brought me to. It was out of my comfort zone. I didn’t know these women. The director said, “Trust.” Trust? Really. She didn’t know my past. She didn’t know what I had been through. I didn’t trust anyone. Not even myself half the time.

Then she said something the first night before we went to bed, “I love you…”

I love you. 

She doesn’t even know me?

It was at that moment I knew how hard my heart had become towards people and towards God.

After my annulment, I didn’t trust anyone, not even my family. People hurt you. People betray you. People do things to make you mad and upset.

Although I had gotten married, this still affected my marriage as well.

I was afraid of deep, intimate relationships. With anyone. I was afraid of intimacy- even with Jesus.

The second day of my walk I was sitting there, meditating and God said, “I am not that person that hurt you. I am not those people that hurt you. I will never betray you.”

I realized I had been keeping my Savior at arms length because I was afraid He would betray me and let me down. To think that my emotions would never be negative towards Jesus was unrealistic, but He had never let me down.

In fact, in all those moments when I felt “let down” in the moment, I saw the fruit of Christ in me later and the hand of Christ within that situation.

So the problem wasn’t Jesus.

The problem wasn’t the people who had hurt me.

The problem with my heart was me.

I was the problem.

I had a choice to allow those chains to stay or to break free and spend time with Jesus and live forgiven. Not to say that those choices I had made would not affect me, but they didn’t have to control me and make me bitter.

So, I took my problems and hurts and betrayals and sins to the feet of Jesus and I nailed them to the cross. Literally. I took a nail and nailed them to the cross. Three in fact. Three nails. Millions of sins and flaws. One Jesus.

My friends, sometimes we just need to spend time with Jesus.

Talk with Him.

Read His Word.

Commune with His people.

Encourage each other.

I was listening to a sermon from Matt Chandler and he said, “We can’t do life for Jesus, if we aren’t doing life with Jesus.”

So many of us expect to do awesome things for Jesus, yet we spend no time with Jesus. I am one of these.

Let’s remember who redeemed us.

To my ladies at St. Martha’s, I love you with all my heart! Thank you for proving me wrong. I told myself I was not going to make connections while I was there. I was going to do my business with God and ignore everyone else, but ya’ll changed that. Agape love changed that. Turns out you can’t do this Christian life by yourself.

To the workers at the Walk, you are so appreciated and thank you for all the love you showed us.

To Richard Acuna and Katie Boo Boo, Jesus loves you and I love you too!

To all my friends and family that supported and prayed for me, thank you so much and I love you.

You are loved.
You are valued.
You are useful.

De colores.